kotte

the weather outside has been great. sounds trivial, but i'm really enjoying the summer vibes, it makes my seasonal depression disappear instantly. i feel less anhedonic, more active and hopeful, though i've had moments of weird insecurity lately and also a very emotionally tasking therapy session. i now have to tolerate a bunch of irritating people at work for a while, but today was fine. 

i got home super early, so i got some groceries (and received compliments on how healthy they were from the cashier... lol, i appreciate much but i just work out so i have to eat healthy most of the time or else it won't be going well), and now i'm charging my phone - about the hit the gym later; then return home, shower, go into the city, buy one thing i've wanted for a while and probably have something to eat there. 

right now i'm listening to bowie's "quicksand" (bowpromo ver) with my windows all open. 

i'm continuing reading reich, he disappointed me a bit with homophobic takes, but i still find the book great and very insightful. i'll of course discuss that when i journal chapters 7-9, which will be soon. i've had an idea for the next essay - about how loss of culture of debate and rules and 'clean' debating has been not only tolerated, but normalised in so called 'discourse' online, how guilt tripping and baseless accusation and antagonising the anonymous audience etc have just become a normal, respected tactic rather than 'trolling'. maybe i'm getting old but there's a degeneration of culture of debate going on. 

i've grown up as a transchild, as many may know, and i was friends with a group of boys who were really into debating; i was good at it. insulting your opponent automatically meant you've lost - lack of arguments. it was good, clean debate. i can understand women's frustration when abiding to male-made rules of debate is required because it's not that easy to keep one's cool when your human rights are being debated or someone is subtly belittling you, but... yes, anyway i will write about that, most likely - and journal reich; not today, though. i need time to myself. 

some may now know, but this isn't my normal typing style. or well, it's close enough, but i use capitals - selectively - and in general my typing style in private communication differs slightly. for the website, and therefore also here, i've chosen the one i consider the clearest to read. it's just a fun fact, i suppose. 

lately i've been returning to my old nicknames for a bit - like 'suvorov', one i used as a teenager - from alexander suvorov, a russian tsarist general. it's a part of embracing my teenage self more now that i've healed of certain internalised bigotries; i still use 'kotte' as the main nickname around here, though. i do like kotte too, quite a bit. i think it's adorable and suits me. 

i need new clothes. i've cleaned my wardrobe recently; threw out all the jeans to give them away to a charity shop, upon deciding i don't wear them anyways. i find them uncomfortable and don't like myself in them; i prefer high waisted frabric or leather pants. i've known i hated jeans since i was a teen, yet i kept buying them because 'everyone' wears and likes them so surely i must be doing something wrong. now isn't that an example of very cringe collectivist thinking? lmao!

my very close friend was on vacation for a few days visiting his gf, and another - one i live with - was away with her family, and i spent several days near completely alone, sans talking to my partner in the afternoons. i enjoy solitude, it was mostly healing - i became more aware of surroundings and my body, and i noticed i was tense majority of the time and made effort to relax my body a bit when i had nothing to worry about. i was slightly bored by the end of it though, so it's good to have them around again. 

i've also been doing certain routines i won't talk about because it'd be tmi in order to synchronise physical arousal with emotional better and it seems to be working, so my libido returned more than it has before. i think i prefer it this way; i uphold having no sexual impulses means having no creative energy and motivation as well. 

more on books: i really want to read something about caesar/the roman empire and/or napoleon/napoleonic france and i want to scream because i have to so much left to read before i can properly get to that lmfao. i want to reignate my old autism for the benefit of no anhedonia.

it really is funny when people act like i'm mentally healthy and maybe even neurotypical for my routines with exercising, healthy food and all that when i literally do it all because without proper life hygiene i have 0 ability to ever be happy about or enjoy anything and i have to meet limits of discipline and regulation most consider some sort of an achievement as the bare minimum necessary to experience positive emotions, because neglecting myself, not working out et cetera immediately equals anhedonia. oh well. which reminds me i have to buy meds and i may do it today actually. 

anyway the sun is shining, i had a great chicken + avocado salad and soon i'll be at the gym working out to deftones. i'm not complaining. my life seems to be on a good track, with some episodic mood swings. i'm thinking of hooking up with someone (since my current partner and i aren't monogamous), but i still don't find myself having enough time and energy for the effort it takes. 

gf said there's some possibility of mirroring dreamwidth on neocities, but i can't be bothered with that. copy pasting it is.