feliscatusdomesticus | Recent Entries

i've received 'sociobiology' by mail - which i've ordered a while ago; it's used and yet absurdly expensive for a book. thing is, i've been reading sociobiology for a longer while - dawkins, miller, sapolski, et cetera - and haven't yet the very first, original book which kickstarted the field; so i've decided to fix that. i haven't started it yet, but i've skimmed a bit and it seems highly enjoyable.

right now i'm still reading reich, but approaching the end - now on the 10th chapter; soon, perhaps this weekend already, i'll catch up on the journaling.when it comes to essays, there's some i have left unfinished and also i'm thinking about the loss of culture of debate and rules of debate thing; so i'll probably write that once i have the energy and motivation and once the text shapes itself in my head (please be patient, i have autism). fun fact: i normally write my essays in an hour or two, and even 'the woman who would be emperor' only took me several hours to write, but i've 'carried them' in my head and tried various wording out for some days before that. essays turn up mostly ready in my head and then i pour them onto the keyboard. it's an interesting process.

i also ordered myself a pair of pants and some cosmetics, and now i'll probably be getting perfume; as usual, a mini-tester of tom ford 'lost cherry' and also lolita lempicka 'green lover'. this month i definitely cannot afford a full bottle of tom ford, not even 30ml, as i'm buying plane tickets and organising a journey (meeting a close friend in the uk by the end of may,and i wanted to have the flight booked and all the documents prepared earlier). i've had moments of feeling uncomfortable not smelling of 'lost cherry', though, it's the extent to which is has become my signature, so i absolutely need it in some shape or form. i'm definitely getting a full bottle whenever i can. 'green lover' seems to be one of these androgynous, masculine-but-sweet fragrances, has a nice bottle although it's a definite downgrade from the old 'l'eau au masculin' bottle.

for comparison: this is 'l'eau au masculin', and this....

this is 'green lover'

their other men's fragrance, 'au masculin', has been reformulated as 'lempicka homme' and also suffered a big bottle downgrade. again, the same unfortunate process i've bitched about on my website. i have both the old 'au mascuilin' and the new 'lempicka homme' in my collection; it's a very similar fragrance, i couldn't quite say it's worse since it did lose a bit of its originality, but some mistakes of the original composition were improved. otoh, longetivity and sillage suffered a lot. great loss in parameters, and of course in bottle aesthetic.

once again, this is the old 'au masculin', and this...

well, this is 'lempicka homme'. downgrade to hell and back.

they're still quite original when it comes to fragrance composition, though, so probably worth trying out; i want to get hermes 'eau de rhubarbe ecarlate' and test out another hermes fragrance, and get myself some of tom ford 'bitter peach' (that's an incredibly sensual one...) for the summer, but i can do it the soonest in may. i have to save money as is. i've spent the week mostly on preparing for the uk trip in advance, aside from work. regardless, my point is that the downfall of lolita lempicka i've wrote about (kotteism.neocities.org/reflections/r08) continues the unforutnately concerns the men's fragrances and their bottles as well. oh well. you know what little point to gendering perfume i see anyways.

i'm very satisfied because i managed to outdo the assholes who caused me grief at work and made them look like total idiots - it's a long story, but basically they looked down on me for being an autist and [homophobic slur] and didn't want to cooperate with certain things so i did them alone and did better than them. oh well! suck my figurative dick, i suppose.

oh, and i pressed 50kg (110 lbs) at the gym which is also something i'm proud of lmfao. granted i only did 10 reps on that instead of my usual 40 but it's still an improvement. i've been enjoying training a lot lately, might jump in for some cardio on saturday evening; i love a good cardio, gives me so called 'runner's high'. i'm becoming one hell of a gym bro lately. paying attention to what i eat for the sake of it... fucking insane but i guess in the good way.

i should post here more often, actually. i'll repost this entry on neocities too, but only when i journal the next few chapters of reich, so that it's a coherent update. that, forunately, should be soon; if i have something to add after today and maybe next 1-2 days, i will. see you soon.

Current Mood: satisfied
Current Location: probably the gym
Current Music: vvv - invierno nuclear

the weather outside has been great. sounds trivial, but i'm really enjoying the summer vibes, it makes my seasonal depression disappear instantly. i feel less anhedonic, more active and hopeful, though i've had moments of weird insecurity lately and also a very emotionally tasking therapy session. i now have to tolerate a bunch of irritating people at work for a while, but today was fine.

i got home super early, so i got some groceries (and received compliments on how healthy they were from the cashier... lol, i appreciate much but i just work out so i have to eat healthy most of the time or else it won't be going well), and now i'm charging my phone - about the hit the gym later; then return home, shower, go into the city, buy one thing i've wanted for a while and probably have something to eat there.

right now i'm listening to bowie's "quicksand" (bowpromo ver) with my windows all open.

i'm continuing reading reich, he disappointed me a bit with homophobic takes, but i still find the book great and very insightful. i'll of course discuss that when i journal chapters 7-9, which will be soon. i've had an idea for the next essay - about how loss of culture of debate and rules and 'clean' debating has been not only tolerated, but normalised in so called 'discourse' online, how guilt tripping and baseless accusation and antagonising the anonymous audience etc have just become a normal, respected tactic rather than 'trolling'. maybe i'm getting old but there's a degeneration of culture of debate going on.

i've grown up as a transchild, as many may know, and i was friends with a group of boys who were really into debating; i was good at it. insulting your opponent automatically meant you've lost - lack of arguments. it was good, clean debate. i can understand women's frustration when abiding to male-made rules of debate is required because it's not that easy to keep one's cool when your human rights are being debated or someone is subtly belittling you, but... yes, anyway i will write about that, most likely - and journal reich; not today, though. i need time to myself.

some may now know, but this isn't my normal typing style. or well, it's close enough, but i use capitals - selectively - and in general my typing style in private communication differs slightly. for the website, and therefore also here, i've chosen the one i consider the clearest to read. it's just a fun fact, i suppose.

lately i've been returning to my old nicknames for a bit - like 'suvorov', one i used as a teenager - from alexander suvorov, a russian tsarist general. it's a part of embracing my teenage self more now that i've healed of certain internalised bigotries; i still use 'kotte' as the main nickname around here, though. i do like kotte too, quite a bit. i think it's adorable and suits me.

i need new clothes. i've cleaned my wardrobe recently; threw out all the jeans to give them away to a charity shop, upon deciding i don't wear them anyways. i find them uncomfortable and don't like myself in them; i prefer high waisted frabric or leather pants. i've known i hated jeans since i was a teen, yet i kept buying them because 'everyone' wears and likes them so surely i must be doing something wrong. now isn't that an example of very cringe collectivist thinking? lmao!

my very close friend was on vacation for a few days visiting his gf, and another - one i live with - was away with her family, and i spent several days near completely alone, sans talking to my partner in the afternoons. i enjoy solitude, it was mostly healing - i became more aware of surroundings and my body, and i noticed i was tense majority of the time and made effort to relax my body a bit when i had nothing to worry about. i was slightly bored by the end of it though, so it's good to have them around again.

i've also been doing certain routines i won't talk about because it'd be tmi in order to synchronise physical arousal with emotional better and it seems to be working, so my libido returned more than it has before. i think i prefer it this way; i uphold having no sexual impulses means having no creative energy and motivation as well.

more on books: i really want to read something about caesar/the roman empire and/or napoleon/napoleonic france and i want to scream because i have to so much left to read before i can properly get to that lmfao. i want to reignate my old autism for the benefit of no anhedonia.

it really is funny when people act like i'm mentally healthy and maybe even neurotypical for my routines with exercising, healthy food and all that when i literally do it all because without proper life hygiene i have 0 ability to ever be happy about or enjoy anything and i have to meet limits of discipline and regulation most consider some sort of an achievement as the bare minimum necessary to experience positive emotions, because neglecting myself, not working out et cetera immediately equals anhedonia. oh well. which reminds me i have to buy meds and i may do it today actually.

anyway the sun is shining, i had a great chicken + avocado salad and soon i'll be at the gym working out to deftones. i'm not complaining. my life seems to be on a good track, with some episodic mood swings. i'm thinking of hooking up with someone (since my current partner and i aren't monogamous), but i still don't find myself having enough time and energy for the effort it takes.

gf said there's some possibility of mirroring dreamwidth on neocities, but i can't be bothered with that. copy pasting it is.

Current Mood: mellow
Current Music: current 93 - the cat is dead

hi, my name's kotte and i am an aristocratic black cat trapped in the body of a 25 year old homosexual autist. i'm a wannabe philosopher, poet and essayist, and in the real world an aspiring researcher, doing something related to my interests, but hoping for a better development in career this year. i've been looking for a place away from the noise that social media; i've found that my brain is better off not constantly overstimualted by new stimuli and information, and if anything i want to stimulate my brain with the information i enjoy and find productive, not knowledge of drama focused around taylor swift. i hope to befriend someone interesting.

i have a personal website, kotteism.neocities.org. i post my various runes there. i believe i'm decent at it, especially for someone who isn't even a native speaker (english is my second language). i try my best.

my special interests include philosophy, neuroscience, sociobiology, evolutionary biology, sexology, psychoanalysis and some niches of history (i.e ww2 germany, napoleonic france and other niches). my roman empire is just the actual roman empire, which is pretty boring. my less obsessive interests include genetics, other parts of biology and biochemistry, organic and inorganic chemistry, typologies (mbti/enneagram), perfumes (which i collect and review - warning: fragrantica user) and haircare/skincare, sometimes statistics and physics. also evil, also into cats. very into cats, actually, they're my comfort animals. recently i've taken interest in wine tasting. i write poems and essays, and i can play ukulele - learnt during lockdown. i am a gym rat by habit at this point and i also enjoy running - especially at night - and swimming.

i'm a bit of introvert hermit (although not shy) who should socialise more. i enjoy everything fancy and feel drawn to morbid things.

i like solitude, peaceful places, night walks, the ocean/sea, cafes, italian food, lemonade, sour beer, sour things in general, good wine, carrot cake, perfumes, stormy weather and rain when it's warm, singing/karaoke, everything cat related.

i dislike ignorance, stupidity, advertisements, team sports, moralism, celebrities, doomerism/unproductive pessimism, dealing with children, the cold, cigarette smell, mornings and sundays, ugly places, performative activism, anti-intellectualism and people who hate cats.

i'm an immoralist and transhumanist (and tiny bit of an edgelord). very critical of naturalism and arbitrary ethics. primarily nietzschean-freudist, but i have my own system which i'm currently developing. nietzsche, freud and schopenhauer are my babygirls (platonic). curious of wittgenstein, merleau-ponty, bataille, foucault. also reading reich and marcuse. i've been apolitical for a longer while and lurking on the marxist political theory lately, but very new to it, so i don't label my politics as of yet. i need to read more.

when it comes to media i love horror, especially art and indie horror and i particularly enjoy it when it's heavy on symbolics. i also enjoy noir thriller and medical thriller, and enjoy classic literature, such as umberto eco, mikhail bulgakov, albert camus or vladimir nabokov. when it comes to film, it's mainly horror. i like american horror story and similar media. i'm not a fandom person or video game person, but i watch anime sometimes and play ace attorney lately (great relax before bed, believe me). with my brand of autistic i get weird about historic characters the way others get about fiction often, so if you see me calling caesar or napoleon a meow meow just go about your day, please. i don't support war or anything akin politically, but i am an edgelord as i said; if you're super sensitive i might not be the right company.

i was diagnosed with autism at 10 and i have other issues (personality disorders, dissociative disorders) i'm in treatment for. i'm a survivor et cetera.

i'm non-monogamous and as of rn in a long-distance relationship with someone i adore and feel grateful for, open to other relationships in potential, but i have little time to look for partners given my job. i'm happy in the one i have now, sans the distance; i was lucky to meet someone around whom i can feel fully comfortable as myself.

i am a transmasculine lesbian. i am a former trans child (socially transitioned at 13) and i came to a lesbian identity later, but didn't make the choice to detransition. reasons for this are complex and explained in more detail in this essay: kotteism.neocities.org/reflections/r27
he and she are both fine with me, though i don't realy care much; i tend to be fine with masculine and feminine words in general.

i'm going to post updates about my life and perhaps half-formed reflections, in a form too lose to make a proper essay of them, or ones that came to my head when i didn't have time or opportunity to write longer essays; i want to try talking about the things i think to as i do my usual stuff and the emotions i feel. i'll post with unknown regularity, hopefully regular enough, but if i get very little activity here or if i'm busy irl or just forgot i may disappear off radar; my designated for neocities purposes email is femmenietzsche666@gmail.com and i can check that more often. i welcome contact and look forward to new friendships and i'm not as cold and intimidating and i know i can appear.

i was born in 1998 and i turn 26 soon, which terrifies me on a level; this year seems to begin in an interesting and maybe even promising way so far, though. i'm better now after my seasonal and personal depression i've suffered from november to january. we're going to see if things keep improving from this point on.

anyway, hello. i wish you all a good day.

Current Mood: hopeful
Current Location: cat limbo
Current Music: marnik - bye bye bye